Never in a million years did I ever think I'd link to something on TMZ. For the record, they've lead the way in robbing celebrities (who are people, too) of their privacy by paying kids with cameras (okay 20 somethings, but still) to stalk famous people and take pictures of them picking their noses, eating fast food, or simply walking.
But, never say never.
Years ago there was an Oprah Winfrey show that left me with a question. It was a show about domestic violence. If I remember correctly, most of the guests were survivors or family members of women who'd been killed by their partners. One guest was a woman who appeared with her husband. (I think it was her husband) He had tried to kill her. They were reconciled. He was working on his anger.
Before this woman and her husband appeared, the message was clear that a woman in a relationship with a physically abusive man needs to get the hell out. (Yes, there are lots of other forms of abuse, but that's for another day). Then, the woman who'd chosen to stay came on as one of the last guests. She sat there and explained how her husband, who was sitting right next to her, had strangled her and screamed at her. She believed in that moment that he would kill her.
I sensed an awkwardness just hanging in the air as this woman explained how she feared him, but loved him, and understood his demons. She was willing to stand by him.
A the time I was struck with a question. Is it realistic to say that all men who beat women should be left behind, ran from, and denied the hope of sexual intimacy? In this scenario, a man who hits a woman would have to remain celibate for life. If we as a society have a no return policy on perpetrators of domestic violence, then we're encouraging men to lie and to deny that they've struggled with this.
Imagine that a man tells a woman that he hit his former partner, sought counseling, and has worked through those demons. But she is an "emotionally healthy," self-possessed woman who will not allow herself to ever be with a man who would hit a woman. Where does this man go? Does he lie to her and pretend his past never happened? Does he seek out desperate, "emotionally unhealthy" women, who are willing to date a reformed abuser?
We live in strange times. Part of me thinks that we have to make room for people to change and to reinvent themselves. How can we breathe if there's no hope for change?
Then I saw this and was horrified. I was horrified. After he punched her, after he lifted her limp body and dropped her face down on the ground, he kicked her calves as if irritated that she was in the way of the elevator doors. At first when I watched it I thought that maybe Ray Rice believed his then fiancee was overreacting or pretending.
But even when it became clear that she'd passed out, he didn't help her. She slowly came to and it appears she was crying. He stood a part from her, several feet away watching. Maybe they told him to stay away from her. I don't know.
What I do know is that Janay went on to marry him.
Recently, she expressed her views on social media. She's mad at us for sticking our nose into other people's business. She's mad at us for caring. For being appalled. Mad that he lost his dream job. Sure, some of this is about politics. But what is it that can make a man treat any human being with such utter disregard. And what is it in her that keeps her from being able to hold him accountable?
And what is it in me that wants to believe in everyone even the abusers? It's one thing to watch a talk show and tell myself that there's hope for everyone.
But watching Ray Rice beat up and toss around the love his life made a little bit of my hope for humanity slip away.
