Never in a million years did I ever think I'd link to something on TMZ. For the record, they've lead the way in robbing celebrities (who are people, too) of their privacy by paying kids with cameras (okay 20 somethings, but still) to stalk famous people and take pictures of them picking their noses, eating fast food, or simply walking.
But, never say never.
Years ago there was an Oprah Winfrey show that left me with a question. It was a show about domestic violence. If I remember correctly, most of the guests were survivors or family members of women who'd been killed by their partners. One guest was a woman who appeared with her husband. (I think it was her husband) He had tried to kill her. They were reconciled. He was working on his anger.
Before this woman and her husband appeared, the message was clear that a woman in a relationship with a physically abusive man needs to get the hell out. (Yes, there are lots of other forms of abuse, but that's for another day). Then, the woman who'd chosen to stay came on as one of the last guests. She sat there and explained how her husband, who was sitting right next to her, had strangled her and screamed at her. She believed in that moment that he would kill her.
I sensed an awkwardness just hanging in the air as this woman explained how she feared him, but loved him, and understood his demons. She was willing to stand by him.
A the time I was struck with a question. Is it realistic to say that all men who beat women should be left behind, ran from, and denied the hope of sexual intimacy? In this scenario, a man who hits a woman would have to remain celibate for life. If we as a society have a no return policy on perpetrators of domestic violence, then we're encouraging men to lie and to deny that they've struggled with this.
Imagine that a man tells a woman that he hit his former partner, sought counseling, and has worked through those demons. But she is an "emotionally healthy," self-possessed woman who will not allow herself to ever be with a man who would hit a woman. Where does this man go? Does he lie to her and pretend his past never happened? Does he seek out desperate, "emotionally unhealthy" women, who are willing to date a reformed abuser?
We live in strange times. Part of me thinks that we have to make room for people to change and to reinvent themselves. How can we breathe if there's no hope for change?
Then I saw this and was horrified. I was horrified. After he punched her, after he lifted her limp body and dropped her face down on the ground, he kicked her calves as if irritated that she was in the way of the elevator doors. At first when I watched it I thought that maybe Ray Rice believed his then fiancee was overreacting or pretending.
But even when it became clear that she'd passed out, he didn't help her. She slowly came to and it appears she was crying. He stood a part from her, several feet away watching. Maybe they told him to stay away from her. I don't know.
What I do know is that Janay went on to marry him.
Recently, she expressed her views on social media. She's mad at us for sticking our nose into other people's business. She's mad at us for caring. For being appalled. Mad that he lost his dream job. Sure, some of this is about politics. But what is it that can make a man treat any human being with such utter disregard. And what is it in her that keeps her from being able to hold him accountable?
And what is it in me that wants to believe in everyone even the abusers? It's one thing to watch a talk show and tell myself that there's hope for everyone.
But watching Ray Rice beat up and toss around the love his life made a little bit of my hope for humanity slip away.
Whenever I hear a domestic violence victim defending her abuser, I don't believe a word that comes out of her mouth. I was in her place for 10 years, and I lied many times, not to protect him (definitely not because I loved him!) but to ensure my own survival. Time and again, I saw evidence that no one was going to be able to step in and save me. Anything I said about him, good or bad, would come back to me later. If I told the truth, I knew he would punish me for it. No one would stop him. If I lied, I might get a brief respite from the constant abuse. As long as there are more systems in place to keep victims with their abusers than there are to help them escape, they will continue to do whatever they have to do to survive, even if it means defending the very person who has stripped them of their most basic human rights and made their lives absolute hell.
ReplyDeleteI keep typing, deleting, and then retyping responses to this note. Part of me wants to hug you and ask how you got out. Part of me feels like I just got cold water splashed on my face because I didn't really think about the nuance, the complexity, the silent rules of an abusive relationship. It's staggering. It seems trite to say thank you for sharing, but I am truly thankful that you went back in time and opened up this box of hurt to share something with us. I hope you're continuing to recover from the hell you went through. Yvette
DeleteI lived with abuser for 18 years......I cant say that I stayed because I loved him....I was just very scared of him, scared for my kids, scared for my brother, scared for my parents.... I didn't know where to turn...thankfully he found another woman and left me with three kids..... Thanks to dear God I found my piece and my happiness....my kids too....
Deletei saw that video for the first time tonight. it was appalling.
ReplyDeletethat said, i have some comments regarding the questions you raised. i am a 31 yr old man, and in my early 20s i was in a very unhealthy relationship that lasted 2 yrs and a baby too long. i never did strike her (truth be told, i was on the receiving end of whatever physicality occurred) but i came very very close several times. close enough that i, too, have wondered whether we dont sometimes take too much of a knee-jerk reaction to this subject.
absolutely, there are cold men out there who use habitual violence as a dastardly means of control, as in the unfortunate case of the poster above. absolutely, as she stated, the more that can be done to provide these women with the education, support, and opportunities they need to get away, the better. these men may even be the rule as opposed to the exception.
however, as it is only by the grace of god i can't accord myself the title of woman-beater, i have to believe that that title isnt so absolute. i consider myself and am widely regarded as a kind and gentle soul. im sure that somewhere (if not many somewheres) out there, there are otherwise upright men who found themselves in a similar situation with a different result.
i also know from my own life and deeds that men (read:mankind), good or lowly, are fallible and capable of all manner of dark things. admittedly some don't want to change, and unfortunately, some are just plain beyond it, but i dont believe there is any manner of misdeed that is universally irreedeemable.
if someone, freely and of their own accord, is open and honest about past errors of whatever nature, expresses genuine remorse, and can detail the appropriate set of steps they took to change their ways, they're likely being honest. in my opinion, your hypothetical gentleman deserves the benefit of the doubt.